i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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