saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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