Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
