Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
