So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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