Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
