He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
