Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
