Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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