She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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