Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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