so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
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