You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
