I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Someone signed my nipple.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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