He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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