sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
