Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
