I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
