I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
