I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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