im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
FUCK WHALES
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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