My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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