god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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