I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
