I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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