I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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