Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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