chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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