guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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