How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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