I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize