We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
