Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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