Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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