proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You made out with two different species that night
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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