This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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