WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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