Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
