Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
