If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Randomize
