So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
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