New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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