she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
there's paper in my vomit.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
