i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
