Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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