so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
