what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
