i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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