I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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