He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
