My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
