Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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