So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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