I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
