man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
