my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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