dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Randomize
