i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
