What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
They have beer where we have blood.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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